The night blues!

I stare at the darkened ceiling sleepless for ages, thinking about my future's career without knowing what I am going to be in a few years ahead. I should have said to myself, stop thinking about it..If something is foreordain to be mine so no matter how long it takes, it will be mine.

I am not complaining...

But if I could, I just wish my husband or my parent will have a huge amount of money so that I do not have a problem to afford my study fees in any countries that I wish to. Like just click my fingers and everything is obtainable. Sometimes it seems unfair for moderate or needy parents when they are not being able to send their children to the private university to get a proper education and mostly their kids will end up being a non profesional workers. (What I mean by private university is, if their children academic results are not good enough to be accepted by the public universities k!). The massive chances are waiting for the wealthy family background. Able to send their kids to further studies at any places they dream of just because they have enough money. The academic results are the second priority. It does not matter how ordinary their results are because they do not need to chase for the government scholarship, yet still they can choose the best universities, local or abroad. Just name it. I hope Am and I will able to revolutionize our life style just in hope we can support our kids education when the government stop offering any loan or scholarship for bumiputra education in the future.

I feel disconsolately sometimes and thanks to 'main-main' attitude when I was studying for my degree level. Maybe I am the stupidest bitch who chucked the only chances that I had before to study smart and get a good result hence I can easily get a scholarship to further studies and eventually guarantee have a decent job. Unfortunately, I kept wasting my precious time before by futility activities. The thing is I do feel guilty sometimes but I am not going to say it loudly and expressing my regret. It such useless thing to do. Better for me to improve myself, to settle down my career and life with soon to grow family. With the baby is on the way, nothing I could ask for just the better way in any aspects of life..

I hope I am not going down into the deep hole shit sooner or later. I really hope the bright side is awaiting for me. Like Am always says, it much better to go with the flow and see what happens instead of keep grumbling foolishly. Well, hope I will have something for my own..InsyaAllah.