'Soft spot' does not so soft anymore..

Any words which came out from my lips did not reflect my heart. The mouth said okay but the heart was otherwise. Caught in the middle is pathetic sometimes, and I realized pretty soon my heart will no longer the only thing is getting heavier....

Saddo

Blood is thicker than water, Unfortunately I am 'the water'. Now, I am really really sad.

Alhamdulillah

After 45 days of performing Hajj, my parents have safely arrived at Terengganu International Airport today ar 7am, Malaysia time. Alhamdulillah...

Kasih suci

Perjalanan masih jauh harus kau tempuh
Ku di sini memerhati tanpa rasa sangsi
Jangan gentar ada sabar semai di jiwa
Ku di sini mendampingi agar kau mengerti

Berlarilah kau berlari
Terbanglah dikau terbang tinggi
Bumi yang engkau jejaki
Janganlah dikau lupai

Andai kucapai si pelangi
Akan kuserah kepadamu
Agar dapat kau mewarnai
Seluruh hidup nanti

Yang hitam harus dijauhi
Jangan disimpan dalam hati
Putihkan jiwamu dengan
Kasih suci

Kuterima dirimu dengan seadanya
Dalam suka dalam duka
Kau tetap cahaya

Ku bersyukur pada Yang Esa
Punya segala-galanya
Sederhana tapi oh sempurna
Oh oh oh...

Yang hitam harus dijauhi
Jangan disimpan dalam hati
Agar dapat kau mewarnai
Seluruh hidup nanti

Putihkan jiwamu dengan
Kasih suci

message from ayah bonda

Our beloved parents, are now flying off to Medinah. They will be staying over there for a week before jetting off to Mecca and InsyaAllah this is going to be their second time to perform the pilgrimage. I hope they will have a smooth sailing  journey ahead. Ameen.

Now I know where is my interest of writing sometimes comes from after receiving this forwarded text message from my Ayah after he was leaving on a jet plane. I guess it runs in the genes.

Salam sayang anak-anak tercinta. Doakan kedua2 ibu bapa mu semoga sejahtera. Semoga haji mabrur yang diterima.Pejam matamu seketika, apa perasaan mu semasa kita bersama. Apa pula tika kami tiada.Anak2 ku berilah kasih setia kpd kami berdua.Sejahteralah perasaan kami berdua.Umur kami bukan berjuta, hanya seketika.Jangan huru harakan keluarga, kami ingin tenang di hujung usia. Belailah emosi kami sentiasa bahagia.

Pelbagai penyakit menimpa diri kami berdua.Sejambak doa daripada kalianagar kami berjaya. Salam sayang,Salam rindu moga2 kita masih akan bersua.Selamat tinggal anakanda kalian. Doakan kami selamat pergi dan kembali.Janganlah buat angkara yang menyayat bonda dan bapa.Bye2 anak2 ku. Doakan kita jumpa lagi tanpa perkara yang tak didingini menimpa kami berdua. Seandainya kami tewas dipersada tanah muliairingi kami doa2 anda moga kami sejahtera dialam fana. Assalamualaikum sayang2 semua~ ayah and bonda tua~

Seriously, this message really makes my heart wrenching, heavyhearted, gloomy~mix feelings~.especially when I am the one who does not have the chance to send them at the airport , sigh.

My beloved parents, semoga selamat urusan disana dan selamat pergi dan kembali dan mendapat haji mabrur..amenn.

We are not certain about the circumstances but we pray for the best..InsaAllah.

What is stopping me?

Family planning anyone?

Honestly, I do not know what is stopping me from falling pregnant again for the second time. There is no exact reason in this matter and I do not know how to say in a proper way. The best words I can type in here are- 'mix feelings'-. I am not on the pill, well I had the pills before but it only lasted for three months after giving birth to Haris and then I stopped. Nevertheless,  I still keeping the balance of the two boxes of the contraceptive pills in my safety aid box.

Thinking of the precaution for not having another babies in the mean time, my husband and I have decided to use another protection in practicing our so called 'family planning'. We opted for natural way because I do not feel taking jabs or medicines at all for planning. Alhamdulillah, until now we still ok with the option.

Now, Haris is 2 years old plus, I was thinking to have another baby perhaps in the next year though I still having double thought on it :-)). Never mind, because I believe if the God wills, nothing is impossible. 'Kun fayakun'..Insya Allah.

Do the reality check, well sometimes...

I love blog hopping when I have an ample time to kill, it is not like a novel 'to kill a mocking bird' by Harper Lee that all the matriculation students during my time had been forced to read though ;-), I cannot find an exact word to tell how boring the storyline of the novel was, sigh!

Every time I visit from one blog to another, there must be one or two blogs which attract my heart to read the contents. Sometimes, the writers just too good in impressing their feeling and they are really touching my heart. The sincere writing from them lead my heart to an uncontrolled way like a huge wave hits a cruise ship in the sea.

Reading a reality story of them really make me realize, instead of being greedy of what other people have, I rather being grateful for what I have already had because life is too short after all.

But, just if I had a chance to go back to the previous time, there is something I wished I could make a different though which is to be more sensitive and appreciate my family especially the parents. There is a moment when I feel like not giving enough hugs and kisses to my parents in my 33 years of life.

I do not want to blame the parents for their way of bringing up myself, because that is their style of not showing 'parents-kids' precious moment like us the modern parents. Thus, I hope in changing the approaching of nurturing my kid in my own technique, for a better or maybe the best. InsyaAllah.

Until then, I pray and I hope to still having time and chance to do this to my parents before it is too late for me to do so...

Updates

1.We went on holiday to Venice and Milan, Italy on 22th April until 26th April 2011. Photos are loads! There were ups and downs during this time trip but overall I like Venice so much compared to Milan.

2. I just received the tickets and hotel's booking in Paris for this coming June. This time we will be revisiting Paris and Disneyland and all are free. I am joining Am for his conference. This conference will be held every other year and this year is in Paris.

3. There is an activity for the spouses during the conference and one of that is, cocktail in Eiffel tower! Unfortunately, with Haris I do not think I can make it. But, will see though when the time comes.

Experience is the best teacher in life...

There are so many friends in my FB just gave birth this year, so congratulations to them. Frankly, I can't help from feeling how fortunate they are to have the family and friends to celebrate their newborn babies to this world.

reminiscence - July 2009.

A midwife entered the room 161 in the afternoon a day after I gave birth to Haris. She arranged a small rack and placed it by the wall while saying this to me, ' this rack is for the flowers from your visitors.'

I just looked at her face and gave a meaningless smile and there was a voice whispering from my heart saying , 'I do not need the rack since I have not got family in this land to visit me in the hospital and bring me the flowers', but I was wrong, because in the late afternoon Am came to be with me in the hospital and he bought me a bouquet of flowers with the congratulations card and not to forget the 'its a boy' helium balloon. He really made my day.

Nevertheless, the day passed by and the only flowers I received was from him and it slightly made me felt lonely and the feelings led to the baby blues syndrome.

The other difficult incident of not having closed relatives in the foreign land was, nobody was there to prepare the healthy home made foods and the hospital foods were limited for vegetarian and fish only and I badly needed the taste of rice in my dinner. How I wished somebody could cook a very good foods that time. I did not blame Am for this since he had to back and forth ran an errand so resulting in him had a very little time left to prepare the foods. A very simple fried rice was the option for him to prepare for the two of us.

I precisely remember when one evening the nurse mistakenly served my dinner with the slices of bacon and bread on the plate and I did not have choices because all the shops and cafeterias were closed. I could ended up going to bed with an empty stomach that night, but thank God when I had visitors on that day. They brought over a warm soup with the rice, and the tasted was like a food from heaven! I do not have to mention their names because they know who they are. Truthfully, I really appreciate their kindness and will remember them for the rest of my life. InsyaAllah.

I am writing this because I can feel how much blessing for those who have been surroundings by family and friends when they are at the hospital after having a bundle of joy. The visitors truly make a good day to the patient . For us, the experience is the best teacher of counting the blessing of having the baby in the foreign land.

I realized one thing, 'actually when we have to do something without any helps from others, we could cope and nothing is impossible,' it just the matter of giving up to the challenge and keep mourning or otherwise. For me, I chose to be positive and alhamdulillah, until today I manage to handle my boy only with the help of my husband.

Anyway, life is not all about us right? So be rational ;-)))

Life does go on....

Everyday, a friend of mine will ask, if I am ok and I will said, I am ok. She keeps repeating the question until one fine day I find out that I am really ok, not ok but very good. Sometimes when life is too struggle and I feel like staying in bed forever but without realizing it, I did wake up and put on a clean clothes and look over the window and I can see the daffodils are blooming, yes the spring has sprung. Life does go on actually. At the end of the day, life is going on eventually.

Sometimes, we do think life is not fair and we are the only human on earth that have a huge and unsolved problems, but we are wrong. We need to wide our thinking horizon by seeing the unlucky people and then we will realize how lucky we are.

Though, if we feel like not coping and the life is almost taking its toll, maybe we should pause and reflect and remember this mantra, Allah will always be with us and there is always light at the end of the tunnel, InsyaAllah everything will be Alright...

Despair no more, InsyaAllah

~Don`t despair and never loose hope

Cause Allah is always by your side

Insya Allah 2x

Insya Allah you`ll find your way~



MasyaAllah what a nice lyrics and song by Maher Zain. If just I knew this song earlier, I definitely listen to it repeatedly until I get bored. Don't despair and never loose hope. In the past few weeks, I felt depressed and stressed over something that I never knew. The 'give up' feeling kept popping in my mind, thus the stress body and mind almost have taken its toll. Nevertheless, I still can manage to be strong and here I am, acting like a supermom and wife to my family.

Every difficulties must have the solutions. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Repeat this mantra,Nurul.. There is no such thing of giving up and loosing hope.

The most important thing is, stop 'mourning' over vagueness things

Haris at 18 going on 19 months old in a few days away

Haris and I in the university aquarium and museum. Admission fee is Euro 6 per adult. Kids under 6 and University students go free.

Uncertainty

I have been thinking since the past few days about life, future, etc. The frequent I browse the Facebook of my friends, the more I feel guilty. Guilty of not having a good career to support my parents and my siblings. To be truth, I almost get everything that I wanted in my previous days in life when I became a housewife. If I requested something from Am, he will try to fulfill my dream as best as he could. He made me become a spoil brat, I guess.

Every time I tell people about my dream to start working again, automatically they will say 'just enjoy your time Nurul, we envy of you, to get a chance to travel around and bla bla bla'. Believe it or not, I do thankful enough for this chance, but as a normal human being, I never satisfied with what I have. Pathetic, isn't? Jealous of seeing friends who hold a good position in a government sector is common for me. I am 32 going on 33 year old this coming October and most of the career women at age 33 have an establish careers, futures etc. I envy them so damn much.

Nevertheless, I am contemplating between back to Malaysia for good or find another job in here ( I mean for my husband ). We have so many pros and cons in this matter. Though, I realized 80 percent of our hearts tell us to stay. Dig a decent amount of money and then return to Malaysia for good and have a very good life. That is our current plan, but it not as easy as it looks because Am is bonding with the University back home and if we break the contract, we shall willing to pay a good amount of monthly payment back to the University.

We will wait and see what is the future promising for us. I trust that our destiny has all written in the 'book' that belongs to our creator, but I do hope he writes a good destiny to us, InsyaAllah.

My heart and head are knackered of answering the question from outsiders about, 'When is the time we will return to Malaysia for good'. I cannot see the sense of this question because when I was in Malaysia none of them were there to meet up or whatever. So, it is a bit strange for me when they asked about this and sometimes, they said, they cannot wait for me to come back for good, because they are missing me. Missing me? huh ! Only one or two people who called me and requested to meet up when I was back in Malaysia in the last year. The rest just simply wrote on my wall about missing etc and never meant what they said. The funniest thing is, they are not even have my hand phone number since graduated from USM. Sorry to say, but I rather left the question unanswered and ignored them.

I have so many plans that not appropriate to tell others since I do not know what is the final conclusion is. I definitely will shout on my wall on Facebook when everything is certain about the planning etc. But, for now I rather keep my mouth shut. I prefer someone to be friend with me because you really think I am your friend and not because, you are a person who cannot help from sticking your nose in somebody's business.

Reminiscing

Reminiscing the first time Am made a confession about he was falling in Love with me was the thing that I did tonight. How sweet those old memories were. I miss the moment when I always could not stop thinking of him. Sms-ing and calling were the thing that we kept doing as the day passed by.

Where do I begin?To tell the story of how great the love can be. Who does not know this evergreen song? The very famous song in the Love story movie and this love song could not stop from reverberating in my mind and I better get the story started..

Our love story begins when he texted me and asked either I was free or not that evening. If I said yes, he said he wanted to tell me something important. Straightaway, I replied the text and said 'meet me after work.'

The first time I did after working on that day was went straightaway to my rented house so that I could get a really nice bath and be ready on time. He came on time and we drove to Marina bay at Kuala Kedah to enjoy the evening breeze and watch the seagulls. Trust me the scenery was really beautiful indeed especially when you have your loved one by your side and I was mesmerized with the surroundings.

Being a closed friends for about four months dragged us to talk about everything to get to know each other and we kept talking until the sun disappeared before we went off to the nearest mosque to perform Maghrib's prayer and then headed to the town and had dinner by the lake. My heart kept thudding and pounding hard and at that time I just knew that I am in love with the guy, before me.

After a few moment, we ordered our meals and kept talking until I asked what was the thing that he wanted to say to me in his sms earlier.

The answered he gave me was,'nothing, I just wanna meet up.' Hmm, how on earth I wanted to believe it was just 'nothing'. Naughty me kept pushing him to tell the truth because I could hardly wait to know what the matter was about. After taking a deep breath, finally he said in his low down voiced 'I like you very very much.' He kept saying thing in his distance and mumbling voiced but I just could not feel my self in the real life. I was so over the moon. Seriously, I barely remember what was the next thing he said when he made the confession because I was too embarrassed to look at him. hehhhee.

We kept talking until the clock was 1 am in the morning. The restaurant owner was gonna close his restaurant and then we knew it was about the time we moved our butts from the chairs.

When I was at home after the romantic dating, I could not think straight and I was thousand miles away for every single seconds. I was definitely mad I guess, until I forgot to shut the pipe in the toilet after using it. My house mate teased me by saying how careless I was and she kept laughing at me. I precisely remembered when she said, I was totally blur and my face was radiant, and I guess the happiness from the heart reflected to my face.

From that night onwards, we kept contacting each other. To be frank, there was ups and downs in our relationship, but our destiny has written in the 'book', thus nobody could against it and we have decided to tie a knot in 2006. So, here we are until today, and do pray for us so that this marriage will last forever...Amin.

Oh I just remembered, he once gave me a story about the first time he met me. It was a hard copy but I never knew the ending of the story because his hard disc was crashed. What A shame! Though I had a chance to read the first chapter in our relationship which is from the first time we met until the confession he made. It was like a 'cerpen' he wrote just for me. I hope one day I can ask him to write again the 'sambungan' of the 'cerpen' before the death do us apart. maybe the story of how we grow older together etc. How sweet is that?

Enough said, I just knew that I love this man too much!

Bila hati itu sayu dan pilu..

Sayunya hati..rindu..

A note from a daughter to her parents..

The dim light and the cloudy night changed my lovely day to melancholy night. I feel like missing..missing my dearly parents so much especially my mum. Thinking about the thousands distance apart never make me feel better. When I was on holiday back home in January, I still remember when the first time we met up at Kota Bharu airport after four years apart. My heart throbbed to watch them ageing. How time flies, I left them when I still their sole daughter, and after four years I came back as a mum. Bringing a grandchild to them.

My parents expression just speechless. My dad kept staring straight on my face for quite sometimes. He took his ageing pause and kept studying his beloved daughter face. When I asked him why he looked at me like that, and the answer he gave me was, he almost forgot how my face was. In his memories, I was at age 28 years old. The age when I flew out from his nest to built my own life with my newly wed husband. Left alone my mum expression. We bursted into tears and hugged one another tightly.

One month was like one week. It has never been enough to spend such a little time with the family. Though I still appreciate it. From time to time, I received a bad news, the news about decease. Until now, I still keeping my fingers crossed so that none of my closed family will be leaving me for good before I have a chance to help them out. Especially my emak and ayah. I know I am a lucky person to have a husband and my own flesh and blood, Haris in this foreign land to accompany me and thanks God for my boy boisterous attitude that sometimes will cheer me up. Nevertheless, the lonely feeling comes and goes parallel with the time. I am a human being after all. Sigh!

Luckily for me to still have parents. Even though sometimes I just too stubborn to appreciate them in the best way I have to, but God still giving me chances to serve them before it is too late. Truthfully, I do not know how much time left for me to do so.Sigh!

In this world, parents are the most sincere person to their kids!

InsyaAllah, one fine day the moment will come. The time when we will back for good and we will be gathered as one happy family like we were before...InsyaAllah.

~Ibu, kau ampunilah dosaku,andainya aku pernah menghiris hatimu..restumu yang amat aku harapkan kerana disitu letak syurgaku...those lyric keeps reverberating in my head and it is really meaningful indeed!~ Ya Allah..ko kasihanilah ibubapaku sebagai mana mereka menyayangi aku...amin ya rabbal alamin~



Ya Allah..ko kasihanilah ibubapaku sebagai mana mereka menyayangi aku...amin ya rabbal alamin~

Mumma and baby

Mumma and baby...I was meant to say a big baby!

This relationship..

Living under the same roof makes it impossible to get everything smooth and sound without having a row. That same goes to us. After being married for almost four years, we still have ups and downs in this relationship.

Normally, I thought he never understands me. Logically, of course he does not and he will never will! But why? Because men and women are two different creatures. God makes these two genders that will never ever could blend very well. But, at least a little bit of understanding is doing no harm, I guess!

Still, I am trying my best to understand him even though I always fail and it ended he has to rise a white flag and give in over me. Deep in my heart I hope he will never lost his insanity towards me..Sigh! Such a complete twisted little cow I am, well sometimes!

Menyampah? angry? or perhaps we feel like running away from our partner for a while to clear our head but trust me, it is not the best option to solve our problems.

Whatever it is, it depends on us what is the best way to choose. Act wise!

Happy Father's day

Last sunday was a Father's day celebration in Belgium. We did not have time to celebrate it in a proper way, so I just bought Fossil wallet for my hubby as a gift for him. He pass the first time n year as a dad with flying colors!...I am so proud of him for being able to go this far in handling our baby. He tried his best to be a great dad.

Everyday, when he comes back from work, he starts playing with our baby before resting and putting his stuffs aside. Bracing Haris in his arms and gives him a cuddle and a kiss. Asking Haris what this and that for the whole day activities at home.

I don't know if I could do the same thing as he did, if I was in his shoes ( Tiring day at work place and straightaway play with the baby..I just can see myself being hot tempered mama ;-p)

Backdated entry on his birthday..10042010

April 10th 2010 is Am's birthday. This time it is so special simply because we celebrated it with Haris's presence. We just had our simple meal at Pizza Hut. This year, there was no special preparation and surprise since I had so little time to prepare for everything. For a gift, I just gave him some money to buy something that he really liked and he chose to buy a PDA phone or should I say iphone? I do not know much about gadget thingies, Just asked me about designer handbags so I shall know in detail. hehehe..

To my dear husband, Happy birthday to you. I hope this year may bring you happiness, success, well-being and everything. Just so you know, Haris and I love you so damn much and we are always proud of you.

Papa et Hubby, when everything seems dull and cliche, you always there for me and otherwise..

I love you..n Haris loves you too..